My thoughts on being self-aware, self-focused, self-centered, or selfish stem from my mom. My mom has always been the one looking after every family member she could; you could call her the Florence Nightingale of the family. One care she would and could not give up was for her autistic brother, whom she cared for most of her life. As I’ve gotten older and attended therapy, I realized you can become co-dependent. This topic will be addressed in a separate post. To understand the self I am becoming, I must provide a brief backstory.
My unconditional love for my mom always made me want to assist her as much as I could. In my early twenties, I assisted my mom and grandma with my great-uncle by washing his clothes and picking him up from the VA hospital for holidays. Once my grandfather, great-uncle, and grandmother passed in that order each year, all my mother’s attention shifted to my autistic uncle, for whom she became the sole caregiver. I wanted to assist her as much as possible; therefore, I would pick him up from school if he had a bad day, help with transportation to his day center if none was given, and prepare his food for the day if we were going to be out of the house for a while. I would even assist with providing money for his day center field trips if funds were low. I wanted to minimize her stress as much as possible.
At the ripe age of sixty, my mother decided to take my advice and focus on her life. She realized that making a vow to her father, who at the time was dying of cancer, to never put him in a home was not feasible or realistic. To ensure she could cope with her decision to live her life, she conducted thorough research and found a suitable home for her brother. My uncle was extremely excited to begin living on his own, a goal he had been speaking of for years. Only two months away from living her best life, she had an aneurysm/brain bleed. She was hospitalized for approximately 4 months and was able to reach a suitable baseline. Her baseline left her at about 90%; she couldn’t balance a checkbook or drive without someone. She was able to get her brother moved into the facility and finish all of his paperwork. My mother decided with my sister while convalescing in the hospital to take the neurosurgeon’s advice and get the aneurysm clipped. This caused her to regress and even within the regression she is still focused on her brother needs. It’s like the Alanis Morissette song Ironic. My mom was finally becoming self-aware of her needs from years of being codependent on family, specifically her brother’s well-being, and she had unintentionally neglected her own needs.
I have a deep devotion to my mom. Ensuring she lives her best life has always been my top priority, even after starting my own family. If I were a man, they might jest and label me a momma’s boy. I have consistently encouraged her to seize the moment and revel in life’s pleasures. Despite harboring unfulfilled dreams and aspirations, particularly regarding travel, she hesitated to act upon them. Interestingly, just as I contemplated prioritizing my focus on my own family, my mom faced a health scare. The irony of the situation is quite striking.
When I took on the responsibility of caring for my mom in this new state, my initial mindset was, “I will ensure she enjoys herself to the fullest.” However, then I thought about how she went back to prioritizing her brother’s well-being. This experience gave me a new perspective on the challenges involved in caring for my mother.
I realized I could not have history repeat itself with me; I had to become something. Deep down, I thought I would become self-centered but realized I was trending more to selfish. This was due to me wanting to shift my focus on getting her the care she needs so I can focus wholeheartedly on myself and my family. Then I second-guess myself, thinking I was, as my therapist calls, my sister self-focused. Self-focused, according to the APA dictionary, is conscious attention on oneself and one’s thoughts, needs, desires, and emotions.
Consequently, with the help of my therapist, I realized I am becoming self-aware. I have been self-aware when it comes to situations outside of my family matters. Now, I am shifting my focus to becoming self-aware with my family, which ultimately protects my well-being. Ultimately, self-awareness is looking at my life through an objective lens to see if I am truly considering my needs as I would others. When considering the needs of the mother, I must work diligently to ensure she receives the care she needs, allowing her to either opt for in-home care or personal care. It’s not just about losing myself to help her find happiness. Understanding the importance of not sacrificing myself for others to thrive. It is essential to have a full cup to support your loved ones adequately. The time may come when I have to make difficult decisions regarding my mom. Nonetheless, one thing is certain: I will not lose myself in her world.
